If you call me exotic I will never sleep with you, or, Why You Should Not Call Me Exotic

I really don’t mind when people give me compliments. I will not accuse you of being a chauvinist pig if you tell me my dress is pretty, although if you solicit me for sex immediately afterwards, I probs will. I, like pretty much every other human being on this planet, like to feel good about myself (I can’t speak for the humans on Mars).

SIDEBAR: DO NOT CAT CALL PEOPLE THAT IS NOT THE SAME AS A COMPLIMENT

Anyways. I really don’t like it when people call me “exotic.” I just don’t. It’s weird and gross and sexual and makes me feel the way the word “moist” sounds. That is, weird, gross, and sexual(ized).

Top Ten Reasons NOT to Call Me Exotic

1) Things that people call exotic:  Snakes. And Orchids. And the Masala Chai mix you picked up at Trader Joes. If you call me exotic you are putting me in the same category as snakes and orchids and the Trader Joe’s ethnic foods aisle. If you put me into that category you are basically asking for me to put a poisonous snake into your Masala Chai mix and send an orchid to your funeral. Basically.

2) The other thing that people call exotic: HOOKERS.

3) Please tell me the last context in which you heard a woman being described as exotic in which the woman being described was not a) an Exotic Asian masseur b) an Exotic Middle Eastern belly dancer c) an Exotic Spanish porn star d) an exotic dancer e) a mail order bride.

4) Exotic literally means “not native; introduced from abroad.” If you call me exotic, you are saying that I don’t look like I belong here. This is a dumb word to use in America because 98.8% of the population was introduced from abroad, so when you call me exotic you’re actually saying that I’m conformist. BAM

5) A continuation of the theme from #2 and #3. Because exotic is a word associated with hookers and sexy dancing, when you call me exotic it makes me feel like you want to have sex with me, which is not necessarily a terrible thing, because people are allowed to have sex with other people, but it is weird when old ladies in the produce aisle are making me feel like a sex object. Or like, my friends’ dads. Or like, anyone.

6) If you are approaching me in a dating/sexual context and call me exotic I will assume you have an Asian/half-Asian fetish. I realize that this is not fair. Sorry.

7) Synonyms listed for exotic include bizarro, fantastic, glamorous, outlandish, romantic, and strange. These are words you would use to the experience of watching the Johnny Depp remake of Willy Wonka and Chocolate Factory. Why would you ever want to make me think about that?

8) Exotic doesn’t mean pretty. Exotic means pretty and not white, which means that…

9) Calling me exotic says more about you than it does about me. And what it says (because after you’ve called me exotic I’m an it) is…

10) I will never sleep with you.

 

The thoughts that go through my head when you tell me that I should “be careful” around a guy.

1) Trapper-keeper SHUT

2) What does that even mean?

3) I’m assuming that you mean that he’s too sexually aggressive.

4) I’m assuming that this means that you’ve seen him be too sexually aggressive.

5) Did you do anything when you saw him be too sexually aggressive?

6) What happened to that girl?

7) How many times have you seen him be too sexually aggressive?

8) What happened to those girls?

9) Do you tell all the girls this, or just your friends?

10) Do you watch him at parties to make sure that he’s not too sexually aggressive?

11) Why is it my responsibility to be careful around him instead of his responsibility to not be sexually aggressive?

12) Would you help me if he was being too aggressive, or would you assume that since you warned me, our encounter must be consensual?

13) Have you ever said anything to him?

Boy Meets Girl, Boy Creeps on Girl, Boy Asks Girl If He is Being Creepy, Girl Does What?

I realize that the answer to this question may seem incredibly simple, and in theory, it is. In practice, it can be much more complicated.

Let me walk you through a scenario or two:

1) You’re in a bar with your friends. A guy comes up to your table and starts talking. No one is interested in him, but you’re nice people, so you engage in enough small talk not to be rude, but you try to let the conversation die after a few minutes. The guy is freaking Lazarus and keeps resurrecting himself. It’s been twenty minutes, and he’s still circling the table despite your best efforts to put out an uninterested vibe. You’ve pointedly hinted at boyfriends. You’ve avoided eye contact. And yet, he parks himself dangerously close to your personal zone. He says, “Am I awkward? I’m sorry if I’m making you uncomfortable. I don’t want to be a creep.” And you say….

2) Your next-door neighbor seems like a nice, nerdy kind of guy. You’re friendly and say hi when you run into him in the hall. No big deal. But then, you start to realize that he might be interested in you. He sends you texts for no reason and keeps trying to get you to hang out with him alone. You ignore the texts and/or decline politely, but he doesn’t stop. You start to avoid him. Then, out of the blue, he sends you an explicit text asking you to have sex with him. You are shocked and incredibly uncomfortable. You say no. He apologizes and says “I just can’t help thinking these things when you’re around. I’m sorry I’m such a creep.” And you say….

The instinct for many women who are put into the above situations is to say something along the lines of “Oh no, you’re not a creep,” because that is how nice people respond when someone puts him/herself down. Most people don’t enjoy saying negative things about other people (at least to their faces) and most people are trained to graciously accept apologies. It also is generally a terrible idea to offend someone who has six inches and forty pounds on you. And so, the creep manipulates his target into “forgiving” him, thus giving him license to stick around and creep even further. This is dumb. This sucks. This shouldn’t happen.

So, what do you say?

For starters, tell the truth. “I am uncomfortable with the way you are acting,” “I do not want to continue talking to you,” and, “Yes, you are a creep,” are all perfectly acceptable things to tell people when a) they are making you uncomfortable b) you don’t want to talk to them and c) they are being creeps. You don’t have to go into detail or make derogatory remarks, but if someone says to you “Am I being creepy?” this indicates a level of self-awareness about the creepiness of his/her own behavior that deserves an honest answer. The creeper is literally asking you to call him a creep. So do it. It might not feel good, but it’s better than sanctioning inappropriate behavior.

And if you can’t tell the truth, lie. “I have a boyfriend and I’m not interested in meeting anyone else,” is a stand-by, as is the fake engagement ring often worn by single female travelers.

A note on this: It SUCKS that sometimes you have to rely on men (imagined or not) to get rid of creepers for you. It feels anything but empowering. It is ridiculous that you, a fully formed human being with rights and agency and all that, letting someone know that you are NOT interested or, you know, not expressing interest in having sex with someone is not enough to keep said someone from harassing you. But, if you are in a situation in which you are threatened or potentially in danger (your next-door neighbor, does, after all, live right next door), it may make more sense for you to lie.

Lastly, look out for your safety, especially in ongoing situations such as harassment by a neighbor, classmate, or acquaintance. Make sure that you’re not the only one who knows what’s going on, and if you directly rejecting a creeper isn’t enough to make the creeping stop, don’t hesitate to get a third party involved.

And, very lastly, to everyone in this situation who is not a) the one being creeped upon or b) the creeper: Be sympathetic. Be helpful. Do not dismiss a friend’s concerns as oversensitivity. Do not tell someone that he should be flattered by the attention. Do not tell someone that she is responsible for what has happened because she’s too friendly or flirty or pretty or whatever. Be a not-douchebag.

To the creeper: STOP CREEPING. Stop looking for compliance and look for enthusiasm. No means no isn’t always enough- the better rule of thumb is YES MEANS YES. If someone is avoiding eye contact, stepping away from you on the dance floor, giving one-word answers/not responding to your questions, and generally not acting interested in anything you have to say, GTFO. You don’t want to make conversation and/or love with someone who doesn’t like you–you’re better than that.

P.S. I realize that this post is heteronormative/assumes that the creeper is male (there is a lot more to write on this particular subject, but I’m not doing it right now). Please feel free to replace pronouns wherever necessary in order to relate to your personal situation- I wrote based on the experiences of myself and my friends.